Fed up at work, but don’t want to quit?

How to have hard conversations to help change your situation

I had a conversation with a former colleague some time ago, let’s call her Shelly, and she was in a situation where the role she was hired for was not what she was doing with her day-to-day work. Shelly was brought on board to build out a specific program, and then build the processes around it to support its growth. That was her expertise, and she was excited for the opportunity to join the company.

Within a few months of her start date, it became clear that the bulk of Shelly’s time was being spent cleaning up and fixing messes that were made by a less- experienced (but higher ranking) person who was previously leading that part of the department. Not only that, but the higher up had taken no responsibility for the mess, and was putting Shelly front and center to deal with backlash from other teams in the company. As it turns out, cleaning up messes sometimes requires you to ask questions no one wants to answer, and to ask to resurface things that folks thought had been resolved.

The pattern went on for months, and included long and sometimes contentious meetings with teams, strained conversations over Slack, and sometimes outright public disrespect and dismay at changes Shelly was implementing, all of which were aligned with the role she was hired to do.

Eventually, Shelly asked the leader on her team if she could please get more involved in the process since much of what she was doing was verifying and correcting things that had been put in place already. The leader brushed her off, and instead coached her on better ways to interact with cross-functional teams in the company. Shelly was getting closer and closer to her wit’s end.

Another few months passed, and an executive was hired in her same department. She would be reporting to the new woman in charge and was glad to see the potential for a change, because at the time she was genuinely considering leaving the company even though so much was still good. She had competitive pay, an inclusive work environment, flexibility, great benefits, options that could be worth something, and all the things you’d expect from a cool tech company.

People find themselves disillusioned when the expectations they have for a job or a company don’t align with the reality of working there. And it’s even more confusing when the company bills itself as a great place to work, or as different from other companies where you are not heard, seen or supported. But even those cool companies sometimes have clashes between teams, managers who were promoted too soon, and overall ups and downs that come with joining a start up. It puts employees in a position to have to effectively manage their emotions, and to seriously weigh the pros and cons of a job before leaving.

With people quitting their jobs in record numbers, and record-low unemployment in tech, it’s hard not to consider if the grass is greener. But, what does one do when so much is good? How do you try to make your current situation work for you before jumping ship?

How to structure the tough conversation

I recommended that Shelly schedule time with the new leader after she’d been there for a couple of months. She wanted to share her experience, but was nervous about coming off as complaining because her previous concerns had been ignored. I recommended three things:

1. Focus on how you feel and how you’re impacted. Open the conversation with, “I’m feeling run down,” or “I’m feeling unsupported”, or “I’m feeling ineffective in my role,” and then give reasons focused on the impact. “I’m struggling to ensure other teams understand the reason for changes, and it’s partly because the initial plan wasn’t explained to them so we are lacking transparency.” Making the issue about how you are impacted, versus how someone else is treating you, appropriately centers the conversation and limits negative reactions.
2. Lean on the company values. Every company has values or operating principles that govern employee behavior. A company might have a value of a bias toward action or ownership, for example. When speaking of your own behaviors and the behaviors of others, bring it back to the values. “I’m not able to live in the value of a bias toward action because I’m stalled in many conversations and things aren’t getting done. Is there anything you can do to unblock X, Y, and Z?”
3. Listen to their responses very carefully. Note their language, and see if they’re able to respond to you with empathy. It will tell you a lot of what you need to know to make a good decision about your future with the company.

So many articles tell people to quit their jobs and start a business of their own, or to start a side hustle with the goal of eventually leaving your employer, but there is a reason so many people work for companies. Entrepreneurship is an amazing path for so many people, but some folks just want to have a job, have benefits baked in, have the community of being a part of a company, or lend their skills and experience to a cause or product they believe in.

It’s hard to decide when to stay or when to go, especially when you think of some of the opportunity cost of switching to a new company. There are a lot of unknowns. Shelly had the tough conversation, and noticed the leader that used to be in charge of her program started to speak up more, get more involved in solutions, and help unblock some key areas where Shelly was feeling frustrated. Having the conversation and giving leadership the chance to respond was Shelly advocating for herself, with the mind that if things didn’t work out at least she took the steps she needed to take to ensure a healthy environment for herself both mentally and emotionally.